Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Being a Western Woman, Married to an Omani Man, with a Co-wife: polygyny---what is it like?

I guess quite a few people caught the "my co-wife" in a previous post, and I've recieved a lot of emails about those few slipped words;) since. The emails are mainly asking about what it is like to be a 'Western' woman in a marriage with a husband (Omani) and two wives (one Canadian, one Omani). I have actually written about this quite some time ago http://howtolivelikeanomaniprincess.blogspot.com/2012/02/confessions-of-co-wife.html.

So, what is it like for a Western woman to have a co-wife, as in how do you deal and come to accept it?

Honestly, being Western doesn't really affect me too much, not in a negative way. I live in an Arab country, but being Western, I don't have an Arab family or Arab relations who have built up negative stereotypes about polygamy or women in multiple marriages. My Canadian family were suprrisingly okay with the whole thing, so long as they saw that I was happy, and my husband treats me good, and makes time for his kids, and treats my co-wife the same. My father really likes my husband and my co-wife (he met them both) and that's great for me. On the whole, my inlaws as Westerners are way less judgemental about the issue than my husband's (Omani) family. They already bore out the whole me-converting-to-Islam thing. That took a lot more time, held way more issues for them, than my marriage actually.

My poor co-wife on the otherhand (Omani) gets this {the negative stereotypes about co-wives and polygamy}. My Western attitude of "who cares what other people think so long as what I am doing is right by my understanding and in truth" gets me through a lot of other people's drama;) you could say. My co-wife says, my attitude helps her sometimes, deal with the same. Othertimes, it makes me totally alien to her;). Omanis, based on family and tribal social structures, care a great deal what others think about them, regardles sif others are fit to judge, or smart, knowledgeable individuals. That's something I can never conform to. That is the Western difference I guess. To me, family, society, is not always right, and I don't really give a 'damn' what people who are not good people, or educated people, think on subjects beyond them.

So the real question you could say is, how does a Western woman get to understanding the concept of polygamy in Islam and being okay with that?

I guess, because I converted to Islam, and I mean I studied Islam in detail before that back in Canada, I understood polygyny and how it was done by the first Muslims, when it is permissiable, men and women's rights under it, and I figured, when I became a Muslim, I had to accept the whole of Islam, not just the parts I liked or didn't like. Polygyny (i.e. a man having more than one wife) is permissiable for a man when he marries orphans (Islamically, that means a woman without a Muslim father or a widow or divorcee whose family had great difficulty in supporting her or whom could outlive her father's support ect.). Only in those cases am I okay with it, understand. Otherwise, I think the husband is a selfish loser. Unless his wife is insane or something that would otherwise make his first marriage invalid or a divorce case otherwise in Islamic law.

Beyond that, in Islam, polygyny is very fair. In practice, it is very hard, but it is not unjust. Sometimes, regular, monogamous marriages are deeply unfair. A husband can go out and leave his wife and kids alone alot, spend his money on himself and not think about what is best for his wife or kids. I think in by accepting our situation (my cowife and I) we force him to be very fair and just to us and spend more time with us than many men who have only one wife in Arab culture. I mean, otherwise we wouldn't have to accept it. My SIL, her husband (Omani) has only one wife, but she looks at her brother and how her treats my cowife and I, and wishes her marriage was like that (not that anything is wrong with her marriage either).

Jealousy usually comes from misunderstandings, or imaginings. In our case, our husband loves different things in us both equally. For example, he appreaciates how independent I am and how I deal with life and in my cowife, he appreciates the fact they have a mutual culture.
Independence personally helps me. I am an independent woman. I have lived alone, supported myself. A husband makes life easier. I appreciate having someone to share my moments with but my life isn't all about him. In Islam, it is a good reminder. Muslims believe that when we are in our graves, our husbands, our children even, these things will not concern us. Our deeds will. How we spent our time, what we accomplished, what we left behind in terms of teaching or aiding others or simply worship for the sake of Allah/God.
I try to remind myself that Arab husbands are super super dependent (I blame over coddling mothers;) ). They need a lot of time from their wives and have huge expectations. Dividing our days gives me time of my own, a chance to remain independent, to have time for Allah or my children only, but still have that romantic or personal connection without it draining everything out of me in terms of energy and devotion.
I also remind myself that Allah told us, there are no true believers until we want for others what want for ourselves. Maybe one can be a Muslim, but not a believer, without this. There are many women alone and helpless in this world. Why should I be entitled to a happiness or a safety that they are not simply because of my personal preferences and what I think myself capable of? What matters in this then, if what my husband is capable of in terms of fairness to Allah, us, and our children. I don't think it is a selfish thing for a man most of the time, if his intentions were not just for himself alone, but also for caring for others, and tesing himself to be a person who thinks more of others than himself and his own needs. This is actually admirable to me. Noble intentions and compassion always are, despite how draining or difficult they make our lives.

Of course, none of us, my husband or my cowife or myself, manage to be perfectly Islamic in our thoughts and words all the time when dealing with eachother. But coming back to Islam, and truly meaning to live that way, builds what I've seen broken beyond repair in other polygamous marriages.

I know, in cases, it is hard to do this, mainly because of the children, but I think Islamic dialogue and manners between wives goes a long way to reduce confusion, or possible jealousy. Without it, I'd probaly say "screw her, I hate that *^%$$" you know? When she's being jealous or stupid, or I am being demanding or needy, or husband is, I don't know, being stupid or distant or lazy to try to talk things out. LOL, I know she feels the same. We have a pretty good relationship with eachother compared to a lot of wives. It is work and closeness and Islamic manners that keep us like that. If there is a distance, time where we don't visit or talk to eachother or see eachother's kids, it makes space of imaginings and jealousies.
Also, my cowife says it helps her that I know that I am not better than her. I don't judge myself against other people, I simply list off to myself my good deeds and my sins and go, uh, yikes sometimes, like I am totally NOT a good person. When it comes down to it, what matters most to me is not what my husband thinks of me or what he thinks of her, but what I think of myself. What I think of her is not my concern I guess, and that definately helps her she says. But I think she's a beautiful, kind, smart, Islamic woman, who is more patient and gentler in her words or judgements than I. Her letting me know her, helped a lot. Living closer together, helps a lot. Living far apart and not talking makes one jealous and imagine things that are not there in the relationship between the other two people in the marriage. When you see eachother all the time, you realize, your complaints about your husband are the same, ha ha: that you both wish Allah would destroy his stupid phone, or that he'd talk less about work or notice the kids when they are about to jump off the balcony at Al Araimi mall;). He isn't different in the way he screws up with either of us, but maybe just his way of communicaiting is different, because maybe, you as women, have different priorities or want different things from a relationship. I am Western, so the way he talks to me is different. For me, he better say please and thank you for eveything he wants me to do. For her, she'd get offenced if he did that, because she'd see it, like they are strangers. Our cultures are a bit different in how husbands should communicate with wives.

My cowife is also really nice. Most of the time;p. I genuinely like her. I've met other people's wives and sometimes, I hate the second wife. She's all into herself, and thinks she's prettier or smarter than the first wife or something, and when I know them both I totally don't think that. My cowife isn't like that at all. She's interesting, genuinely nice, pretty, has nice taste in clothes, smart, ect....We'd definately be really good friends if we weren't married to the same person. As it is, we are friends, but not bestfriends. Bestfriends are too close so if they get into fights, the fights last longer and are meaner (at least between women, between men I have no idea).

I don't know what else. I think the most important point to remember are the two I said: Allah told us, there are no true believers until we want for others what want for ourselves, and that when we are in our graves, our husbands, our children even, these things will not concern us. Our deeds will. How we spent our time, what we accomplished, what we left behind in terms of teaching or aiding others or simply worship for the sake of Allah. These beliefs and practicing them, inform our Islamic manners, who we deal with our own insecurities, how we treat others... Without them, in all people involved in a marriage with more than one wife, will end up in tragedy for one person (of the wives), or hurt or abandonment on the part of the children.

I've written before, how we chose to divide our time, and manage the kids, ect... but I guess what has changed since I last wrote about my situation is that we visit eachother on eachother's days. We are building our houses right next door to eachother with a shared yard for the kids. We try to have coffee together every afternoon to give husband a break from being a husband {since he gets no real days to himself which makes him grouchy sometimes but who cares, he has to live with it, ha;)}. Generally, we get on really well, and have started to go shopping together or visiting family together. I think this is actually harder on our husband than us. He doesn't know which kind of communication to use so usually he just focuses on the kids at the mall and ignores us. Which is totally fine, the kids are happy.

Her Arab family and my husband's sometimes still give her a hard time, but it is their misconceptions that cause her insecurities, she'd be the first to admit, or that offend me, ect... Really, me being Western doesn't affect us I guess. She says it's better than if I WERE Arab, because than all my relatives would be on me to compete with her or something. As if a man were ever something worth competeing over, no matter how good a husband or Muslim he is;p ;). No offense to men of course.

Can't think of anything else to say at all. {End rather long long post}

34 comments:

Freddie said...

Thank you.

But how do you reconcile your situation with this:"Polygyny (i.e. a man having more than one wife) is permissiable for a man when he marries orphans (Islamically, that means a woman without a Muslim father or a widow or divorcee whose family had great difficulty in supporting her or whom could outlive her father's support ect.). Only in those cases am I okay with it, understand. Otherwise, I think the husband is a selfish loser. Unless his wife is insane or something that would otherwise make his first marriage invalid or a divorce case otherwise in Islamic law. "

?

The Duncan Adventures said...

That was such an amazing and interesting post. Thank you for sharing an insight into your beliefs and way of life with us as I would not usually come across something so honest.

You are a beautiful and interesting person :-)

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Freddie: I have no Muslim father and am a divorcee. My cowife has no living father;). Neither of us are insane, most of the time:)

The Duncan Adventures: Sorry I haven't commmented on your blog in forever. I was sick and have to get back into reading.

I find people are scared about what they don't understand so I should say what I can as there is no langugage barrier. It helps. I am sure in Arabic there are a lot of lovely stories.

Freddie said...

I hope I am not coming across as rude, as I really appreciate your honesty.

"No Muslim father" - presumably this means that you consider yourself as having no family support, and so needing protection through marriage?

naseehah said...

really enjoyed your long post. You always inspire me and love how honest you are ; 0)

MissHaneefa said...

Great post, so informative and interesting.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Freddie: Honestly, I usually feel 100% able to protect myself, you know, physically, at least as much as a husband is able to do that for me. I can use a knife, throw a rock, scream, fight ect... ;). Alot of Arab girls don't learn these things though, they freeze in bad situations. A husband makes would-be creeps though (always cowards) less likely to occur.

I have no Muslim father but I guess, if I were in trouble, my non-Muslim father would financially support me. I just grew up not learning to rely on any man for that you know? Like I was taught to work, own my own way, so that no one can say I owe them.

What I personally need through marriage, besides intimacy, is someone to share stories and thoughts with. Like what I found funny, or what I found to be deeply sad about an event ect... Someone who might share and understand my ideals... or want to build my dreams with me or whose dreams or ideals I might want to support since I don't have the energy for those things myself. I suppose this might be found in any marriage, not just a marriage with a co-wife ect.... But I have found that a polygynous marriage has these things, same as a monogamous marriage, at least with my husband. Is that what you are asking? I am sorry if I am not being overly helpful.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Naseehah: I am totally an extrovert chatterbox, ;) so really, it is impressive when I manage to keep a secret;).

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Miss Haneefa: thank you.

Freddie said...

I guess I'm just trying to understand and struggling as to how you manage to justify your polygamy through lack of Muslim father, when you would condemn it otherwise, and yet you practice it. Just confused. No judgement on choice - just trying to understand how you can say a husband would be a "selfish loser" if your father was Muslim but because your (living) father is non Muslim, the husband is not a "selfish loser". This is where I am confused.

My Own Fairytale said...

Masha'Allah love to read this.
I think you are an amazing woman and so is your family, may you have a happy and healthy family for many many more years. Ameen.

XO

www.myownfairytale.com

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Freddie: It is because of a man's intentions. If it is just his personal preference but he does not use Islam to guide hom in anyway (the Qu'ran says marrying prphans is the first conditions, and ability to treat wives fairy is the second) then to me, he is selfish. I generalize when I say a "loser" because maybe there are some selfish men who are not losers;) I just haven't met any of them who aren't in the polygny game. Polygamy isn't for people who are selfish, who focus on their own wants over others or over ideals.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Freddie: I okay with it because it IS indeed part of Islam. To reject that would be, well to reject the Qu'ran, reject the Prophet Mohammed, ect...

To be able to deal with it, despite it not always being what I want and that it makes planning life a lot harder (it is hard for two people to grow together towards the same dreams, let alone three or more) a man cannot be selfish. If he is, if fairness to the wives is not done, or he marries solely out of his own preferences with no guidance or rules from Islam (i.e marrying orpahns, widows, divorcees ect...) then he risks Allah/God rejecting his marriage as having been valid. Then he's committed a big sin you know?---adultery. Allah/God doesn't like adultery very much. As crazy terrible cruel as like, stoning in this world would be, Muslims believe unrepented adultery in the next life is waaaaaay worse (Christians and Jews believe the same according to their relgious texts). A woman can be selfish (in Islam she can act that way, against Islamic manners, and her marriage WILL technically still be valid under shariah law, but it will make her life miserable. And those around her too, often.

Freddie said...

ok - I sort of get that :D

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

My Own Fairtale: Thank you and ameen to that dua;)

Crazy in Kuwait said...

I didn't know this info but more power to you. Personally, I don't mind, I like having time alone. I would be one of those females who are like.....skip tonight go to the other wife...I have a headache lol

As long as you are happy and he treats both equally that's all that matters. I don't see people so shocked about polygamists in the USA, they have 5-10 wives but it's not so much a shock as a Western Muslim woman marrying into an Islamic relationship?

Anonymous said...

hi, im wondering what the age difference is of you guys, and is your omani cowife the oldest.

also, does the omani wife like the needy character of the husband and how she deals with it or needs it. like does she not feel loved with out that kind of attention.

also, many non muslim parents raise the kids islamically. but the kids rebel and wont listen.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Crazy in Kuwait: My family totally would freak if I was mormon too;) lol.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Anonymous: I am almost 28, my Omani co-wife is turning 30 this year.

Oh my gosh, she loves men to be needy lol, it is soooooooo their culture, which I wish I could get but I don't. Sometimes she feels insecure, that he loves something about me, that she doesn't have in her (me too, I feel that sometimes) but then, when we think about it, we can never determine what that one thing mssing in us is ect... So it must be in our minds made up or in his.

I agree, about non-mUlsim parents. I know some non-muslim parents who riase beautiful children.

And even in the Qu'ran, there are stories of good Muslim parents whose Muslim chilkdren rebel and do bad stuff... Muslims believe in free will.

Anonymous said...

MashaAllah sister, I love your attitude. May Allah make things always easy for you.

yumiax said...

Assalam alaykom sister, I enjoyed reading your post. Found it very interesting.
Just wanted to comment on one thing, you have talked about marrying orphans is only permissible in case of polygamy..?
I don't think there is such conditions for men to get another wife. He should be able to take any woman of his choice as long as he can treat them justly as Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala reveals in Surah Nisa verse 3.
I personally know a few muslim men who practice polygamy but their wives are not orphans as far as I know. I don't necessarily think they are selfish nor loser.. :)
Anyways thank you for sharing your insights. Very informative ma sha Allah.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

yumiax: wa alaykom e salaam, orphans in Islam are divorced women, widowed with children, orphans or women without non-Muslim family.

The qu'ran actually does state that the reason polygamy is allowed (unless you are prophet or a caliph) is to provide for orphans. This is the part in the qu'ran where is says one may marry up to four. It says "And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that you may not deviate from the right course. "

That means, if a man cannot be fair (i.e. just without transgressing boundaries of modesty) he may marry up to four women that require provisions that come with a man's responsibility's during marriage.
Orpahs in Islam are not merely parentless, but may have no providers, ect.. or the provision of such women is a strain on the society ect...

Polygamy is allowed to support women in the society. You would know also, in the sunnah, the Prophet (S.A.W.) only married one virgin (non-orphan) wife. All his other wives were orphans, divorcees, widows, or converts without muslim family:)

But although Islam makes the allowance for it even for something as great and unselfish as this, there remains the stipulation of fairness.

A man marrying for reasons other than the above (he can have other reasons but must have the first) is selfish, not following the sunnah, and is not following what the quran says. I do not care what sheikhs say if they do not take into account the literal quran, or the example of our beloved prophet.

It IS selfish as he is taking from the provision of his original wife with no islamic reason for doing so...i.e provision of what Islam defines orphans to be.

Also, Islam does state, that a man should provide for orphans who need support. He is only permitted to marry from such women (up to 4) when the bounds of modesty would be transgressed when he is doing so.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

I don't mean to sound angry etc... lol. I just reread what I wrote and it may take that tone but I am saying everything I write with a smile if it were said rather than written:)

yumiax said...

No offense taken and thank you for taking time to reply.
I'd never heard anything about marrying a orphan being the first condition for polygamy until I read your post. That's why I wanted to make sure if I was understanding you correctly. The verse you quoted is from Surah An-Nisa Verse 3.

What I don't understand is the way you interpret it: if a man cannot be fair (i.e. just without transgressing boundaries of modesty) he may marry up to four women that require provisions that come with a man's responsibility's during marriage.
Where is the daleel for this?

In arabic it goes:

إِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تُقْسِطُوا فِي الْيَتَامَىٰ فَانكِحُوا مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ النِّسَاءِ مَثْنَىٰ وَثُلَاثَ وَرُبَاعَ

Which literally translates into:
(And if you fear that not you will be able to do with the orphans, then marry what seems suitable to you from the women two, or three, or four. )

Beware sister, (Marry what seems suitable to you from the women)doesn't mean marrying orphan girls.

I usually find Sahih International's translation the most accurate and the easiest to understand:
(And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four.)

So it's more like Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala ordains us to choose other women than the orphans if we fear we might mistreat them.
Because there is a context behind this revelation.

Aisha(RA) explained about this verse(4:3): "O my nephew! (This Verse has been revealed in connection with) an orphan girl under the guardianship of her guardian who is attracted by her wealth and beauty and intends to marry her with a Mahr less than what other women of her standard deserve. So they (such guardians) have been forbidden to marry them unless they do justice to them and give them their full Mahr, and they are ordered to marry other women instead of them."
(Sahih Bukhari)
You can read about it in the Ibn-Kathir's tafsir if interested.
http://www.qtafsir.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=719&Itemid=59

If Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala permits men to marry 2, 3 or 4 as long as he has capacity to be fair be it an orphan or not, I'm ok with that. It's upon all muslims to take care of orphans and widows etc as ummah, the task not limited only to polygamous men.
Surely the better intention would be reward as such but Allah only knows what really motivates a man to have a second wife ...:P
Just my 2 cents.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

The verse you refer to means to care for the orphaned children (of widows) widow being one form of women considered fatherless/husbandless in Islam. Of course, if a man cannot be fair to such women, he sould marry other. I've Sahih Al Bukhari.

From all the daleel I have read (and from the sunnah of our beloved Prophet which is just as strong an example to my beliefs ) a man does not marry women other than widows, divorcees, or orphans if he is marrying more than one.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

read Sahih Al Bukhari***

yumiax said...

The Prophet did not only marry divorcees or widows. Just because the widows among his wives outnumber the virgins doesn't nullify the fact that both are sunnah.
He also practiced monogamy with Khadhijah RA for half of his life as Prophet and polygamy for the latter half with various status of women including widows, divorcees and a virgin.
You can call them all sunnah, can't you? Who are you to decide which one is the most mushahabb?

I asked you where is the daleel for your interpretation of the verse 4:3 and you haven't provided any answer. You can't interpret the Qur'an the way you want. You should refer to reliable tafseer in case of needing the context or further details.
And Allah Ta'la revealed this verse for a certain context which is recorded in authentic ahadiths.

We don't need to justify what is made halal by Allah with added values. It's suffice to say, 'Allah said so'. Not because it's a virtuous act to help orphans etc...Muslims don't eat pork not because it's filthy or unhealthy as scientifically proven, but because Allah made it haram. He is the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.
But what's even worse is to make something halal haraam or conditional. I personally wouldn't want to be accountable for that sin on the Day of Judgement.
P.S. I'm not pro-polygamy or anything. I'm pro-Qur'an and Sunnah, that's it.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

yumiax: My daleel is already provided, the literal ayah in the Qu'ran and the Prophet's wives (his sunnah) of which only 1 wife (Aicha R.A.) was a virgin (who he was engaged to before he married any other of his wives (who were all widows, divorcees, or an covert orphan etc.

That is daleel pretty clear to me. That Qu'ran and Sunnah and that's it.

And I agree, Allah made something halal it is halal. OR it is haraam, and that's it. We can speak of added benefits, that isn't wrong but we shouldn't make a reason.

But I disagree with your understanding (which is wrong in my knowledge) and the understanding of some tasfer that disavows what the Prophet S.A.W did in his own life, in his own example.

The Prophet's polygamous wives, were all widows, orphans (convert) and divorcees. His only wife who was a virgin was Aicha R.A, whom he was wed to before he married a widow (with orphan children). Of course, the example fo Khadijah R.A. is that a man may marry a widow or divorcee even as a first and only and have her be the best of wives.

The daleel you rpovided me is nothing in compare to the Sunnah of Rasoolulah and it doesn't change the meaning of the Qu'ran or the Prophet's example, sorry.

I don't believe men or women can just change Qu'ran or sunnah by taking one hadith here and there or a part of an ayah not the whole thing and leaving the rest to get the meaning they desire.

Sorry.

yumiax said...

Sorry for the late response. (also sorry for coming back to annoy you)
My question:
Why on earth do you keep repeating that marrying widows or divorcees or orphans is the only Sunnah when it is clearly not? (i.e. disregarding his marriage to Aisha RA...because he was engaged to her before everybody else...what the $$$ does it matter??? What is your point in adding that fact?)
Do you take one Sunnah and turn a blind eye to another?

BTW I'm not taking one hadith....I'm taking ALL the authentic hadiths actually.

Your Daleel is Quran and Sunnah???
Come on! You don't even seem to understand the meaning of the Qur'an!

Give me ONE Hadith that is authenticated which proves your point.
Or whichever qur'an tafsiir that you prefer over the one I mentioned(which is one of the most trustworthy according to many scholars so don't really understand why you refuse...)

You can just copy and paste or give me a link or whatever. I will read them in sha Allah.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

dear yumiax, it is you who has to prove your point to me in hadith---did the Prophet marry in multiple any single woman who was not divorced, widowed, or an orphan?

Serriously, what better example do you need than his?

He was married to Aisha R.A. islamically, before he married any others. Did he marry any other after her, that was not widowed, orphaned, or a divorcee?

That FACT does matter dear selfish men, because it IS sunnah. It is was what happened. Aicha R.A. was married first and others were married after, no one like Aicha R.A. was married after Aicha R.A. excepting orphans,widows, and divorcess as the quran says.

Did the Prophet marry more wives because he did not have children with one woman? NO. That was not a basis for ANY of his marriages.

So where is YOUR proof? There is NOTHING from the sunnah that proves your point that you have shown me. I say, the seerah, the qu'ran's actual allowance of polygyny, these are my daleel. Understand that, or show me something stronger. I kind of feel those two sources are very strong.

So I stand by what I have written.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

I don't object to the tafseer itself only the opinion of the scholar. The chain of narration is pretty decent...

But the Prophet also said, the marriage with the least cost is the most blessed, which in context with Aicha R.A.'s comment is like saying, a woman does not determine her own maher and is not capable of choosing a dowry she wants because she has no living relatives? That's silliness isn't it?

The hadith is about fairness and justness, but the Qu'ran is not speaking only of that, that's only what some scholars choose to direct it towards, sure that's fine... but show me where the Prophet allowed a marriage like you purport is fine? He did not let Ali R.A. marry again after Fatimah R.A. did he? Not only because the woman he wanted to marry was from an family who has terrible to the Prophet's... surely, Islam which does not care for bloodlines, would not be so petty? Anyways, sorry you seem so threatened by the example the Prophet actually gave us.

Sorry. I am actually pro polygany for those reasons. But not any other selfish thing under the sun a guy could come up with sorry, he can say it is my right all he wants, but I'd be divorcing his sorry selfish butt if he didn't have a reason from the Qu'ran or the sunnah.
You can say that's just me, but I feel pretty safe going to Allah subhanu wa t'a 'ala with all I've said now.

I hope the guys out there not following our blessed Prophet's example, but going after "their rights" feel the same, or else, well, I know, I wouldn't want to be them. And I would never stand to be one of their wives.

And that is a woman who'd defend polyyny saying this.

yumiax said...

thanks for you quick reply. I see now your point about his marriage to Aicha RA. OK, because she was supposed to be the 1st wife, it's an exception, that's your point.
Well, even that is not a confirmed fact. There is disagreement about who was the first wife after Khadhija RA - Sawda or Aisha RA.
So what if she was actually the second? Then you have lost your daleel.

And even if she was actually the 1st wife, doesn't change the fact that Qur'an comes first.
In the verse previously mentioned, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala gave permission to muslim men to have wives up to 4. Unless the Prophet said the otherwise (AND HE DIDN'T, DID HE), we should abide by this Sharia. What the prophet did is called Sunnah, but there are different degrees. Sunnah that the Prophet used to do and also an obligation... for example growing beard. He had a beard, and he ordered all muslim men to grow one. This is Waajib.
Also there is sunnah that the Prophet practiced and recommended but it won't be a sin not to practice it. This is Mustahab.
And there's more.

Marrying orphans could be an excellent sunnah of the prophet that we all can follow... or can leave out. There is an option.
Because this practice (polygamy or marrying orphans)is by no means wajib.

My daleel is in the Quran. Verse 3 in Surah number 4.
Re-read it please.

yumiax said...

And you said it yourself - you are pro-polygamy for those reasons.
Not because it is PERMITTED by Allah Ta'ala.
Is it just me or you seem to be having a hard time accepting polygamy as a part of Islam without THOSE REASONS?
Is it so hard to accept that men can have 4 wives under Islam without a pretext to save an orphan?

I don't understand you - I'm not even pro-polygamy. So if I didn't think I could manage to accept this fact as an fact, I wouldn't consider throwing myself into polygamy.

So I'm curious what made you choose polygamy when you yourself don't seem to like the idea deep inside.
Or maybe your husband insisted to have another wife so much that you looked for justification??
I don't know.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Okay first off, I am pro-polygyny because before I became a Muslim I read the whole Qu'ran. And found a lot of like. What I didn't like, I asked people who studied very old Arabic from the time periof of the QU'ran (I could even though I was in Canada, because of having been in Oman before and knowing where to ask). I knew nothing much about the Prophet then, when I became a Muslim, and accepted the Qu'ran and polygyny.

I accepted it because of the wording in the Qu'ran, which I am repeating myself here, says, take up to four wives, in provision for orphans.

And that was, re-enforced for me, in the Prophet's sunnah.

And you are right, if Aicha's marriage was after Sawda's (even though it wasn't) that would break apart my belief and I would have to believe something else. Same with, in sahid ahadith if the Prophet encouraged a marriage outside of the conditions I outlined.

That's the truth.

And I accepted my marriage because both women are islamically "orphans" and only one was married as a virgin. But on top of that, I met my co-wife before our husband married again and I like her. She's most of the time, my fried.

No matter what, right, Islam gives women the option of divorce if she doesn't want to be in ths situation and she didn't agree to it before marriage. However, the benefit from such a marriage can be great when it is not for selfish reasons (on all parties really) in line with the Qu'ran and sunnah.