Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Empowering women in the middleEast?: I give up

 I am writing this because I done with the drama of useless women. Sound callous? Maybe, maybe I am jaded... but I remember reading a post written a while ago by an Emirati author on the same subject on a blog called " 'Ayb in the city" which is any of you have the link for, please share it, about women who cause their own woes. And they do, they really do. Her post, which is about dating as an Emirati woman in a culture where dating is shameful, went on to list a lot of the reasons women seem to wind up in sorry situations. The reasons being, lack of financial independence, always being attracted to jerks, ect.... Her post was better than anything I am going to come up with I assure you so I wish I could find the blog.
For me, it seemed a while ago, like some women were just plain unlucky in life. I mean, let's face it, they married assholes who tricked them, they weren't given their rights, and their situations are hard. Try to start working with kids? Financial indepence is far-fetched given the cost of child care. It requires saving. I mean, it is easy to feel sorry for them. A lot of bad things have happened to them. But let's look at it logically. Some cases, people choose the difficulties they are in, despite wanting a different kind of life entirely. But saying you want something, and actually working towards achieving that, are two very different things.
 My recent experiences have shown me that indeed, many women in bad situations got there of their own doing or contributed to being stuck therein (not always though, so don't be too callous). I mean, if you don't want to work, I mean, if you get an oppurtunity, and you just don't like it, or your not willing to push for your right to be financially independent and work, a man or your family even, can take advantage of you. It is as simple as that. My husband is a traditional tribal kind. Women in his family only work certain women-to-women interactive jobs. But I pushed for my right. I was like, I refuse to accept you if you don't accept my right to assured financial independence. He doesn't like it. We argue. But it is for the best. I have power in my relationship. I am far from perfect, and I don't think sucess as a person is dependent on financial indepence, but I don't think someone can define themselves as successfully independent unless they can manage the financial side of life.

My definition of "successful as an independent woman" can be defined as:

1.) Financial success has been achieved. Meaning: requires no money form government, family, husband, or friends in order to support herself and any dependents.
2.) Lives on her own without roomate and pays rent and all bills in entirety, or would be able to accomplish this, if she so chose at any time.
3.) Career success. Without aid of friends or connections can design her own resume, obtain an interview, and achieve attainment of a job (or more than one) that will provide on the first two points on the basis of her skills and abilities alone. Further, she will attend and meet the responsibilities of her job.
4.) Emotional success. Is not dependent on another human being for her own worth. She does not question the good things in herself because of what anyone says or does unless it is a truth against her.

By the same definition that I note that being in this state is difficult to maintain constantly (and that one might not even wish to but that I do believe they should be willing and able to do so if if they "have to". Or they are not truly successful as an independent person. ****I don't think people's personal requirements of themselves make them better or less than others. I do believe however, it puts some people in good situations, and other's in bad/difficult situations.*****
You can't say you want a nice and easy life, and then expect me to feel sorry for you, when you expected someone else to provide it for you, even if they promised they would, and you ended up in a crappy situation. You put your life, your dreams, in someone else's hands, in their promises. Sitting around and feeling sad about this, will never ever get you out of a bad situation, and expecting people to do as they promise, will not always end in fairytales and happily ever after, or even, normal things like you deserve. Maybe you will meet the the knight in shing armour who will insist on rescuing you or a prince who will offer you the world. But if you don't already have a back-up plan, a backbone of your own---I won't disapprove of you or think that I am better than you, but I will definately feel that I am at least smarter, and I won't feel sorry for you, ****or let you feel sorry for yourself*** if you are my friend. I'll probably come across like a total wicked witch with a capital "b". But it was your life. It is totally 100% your fault if you expect someone else to work at living it for you exactly how you wanted it to be.
Issue number two. I don't blame women who get fooled by guys who lied to them, pretended to be something they were not. Those guys are scum. Totally 100% not your fault. But there also girls who like jerks, or at least, tolerate jerks to affect them. Instead of looking for the decent they look for the one who it totally wrong or unsuitable with the fantasy of being the girl that can "fix" him. Trust me, this coming from a girl who actually was the girl who a lot of men changed for, even if they DO change for you (so unlikely and why gamble with your happiness and whatever else is on the line like wasted years and tears) they will never be everything you wanted them to be because they weren't good enough from the start. Have standards. Don't try to save or change anyone but yourself when it comes to men. And I am telling this to myself, even when it comes to other women, my friends or aquaintences.
I don't mean to be mean or target anyone when I say this. Friends in the past I am not even friends with anymore, I don't think about them at all really when I write this, but I say it in general. People are always saying in the West they've got to save those poor suppressed Muslim/Arab women, but the change comes from the women themselves most of the time. A culture is formed by its women, their mindsets, their beliefs, their abilities, what they let limit or effect them or their children. Above listed are mindsets, that universally need to change, not just limited to Muslim or MiddleEastern women. Men might design cages for women and leave them in there, enjoy seeing them inside, but most of the time, from what I've observed, it is something from a female friend or a family member, from which they chose their own cage.
This post originates from reading a couple essays on the Jane Austen novel "Mansfeild Park" where capitivity and slavery in all its forms is a theme, and the time period therein, very familiar to me living in Arab culture. ....Also on a conversation about Arab girls getting their romantic notions from "Twilight". So best to end with a quote from Austen on the same subject of  a new resolution to disenchant myself from with pitying the poverty of my sex:
 
Thank you anonymous for the links to the posts the originally inspired this rant of my own:
http://3aibandthecity.tumblr.com/31 : women, victims or bitches

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's

3aibandthecity(dot)tumblr(dot)com

Sarah Ali said...

I can totally relate to what you are saying. If you view life from a victim perspective and you are the victim then you essentially will lock yourself in your own cage. Women could take more responsibility if they had an education an worked a few years before getting married that way they at least would have a chance at a better life if the marriage turns out to be miserable.

The problem here in the Gulf is that women passively accept it if their male members of their family say, "No you can't study, you can't work." They aren't active. It is as though women are a sleeping entity who perpetuate their dependance.

They do not seem to realize that part of this situation at least 50% of it women's fault. There has to be someone in the game to play a victim and someone in the game to play the tyrant.

If you refuse to be a victim and if you insist to have your own backbone than the culture will change.

I don't think women here in the Gulf really want a change though. They seem comfortable with other people controlling their lives and being a very small version of who they could be.

I find it very difficult to relate to people who spend most of their time complaining and gossiping. They spent virtually none of their life learning about something meaningful aside from some religious education. No real knowledge of culture, critical thinking, serious problems in the world. Really, for me I find large amounts of the population with a childlike mentality. Perhaps I am being way to harsh. But I cannot help it because I think it is their intrinsic problem that they refuse to change.

Anonymous said...

I like this post. I am a believer of financial independence and working woman. However isn't it obligatory for a woman to obey her husband as along as he is not asking you to displease the creator? How do you challenge that?

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Dear Anon: This post isn't about you or your girls. Pls, get over yourself. You and those people ARE the drama. This post is about situations that get women into trouble, not women themselves. Please learn how to read. Are you gonna get mad at "'Ayb in the City" too for expressing the same sentiments?

And don't threaten me Sweetie, because you know, or don't you know, past is the past especially when someone's already repented from it a LONG TIME gone.

And haven't you heard the saying:"what Suzy says about Sally says more about Suzy than it does about Sally?"

You might wanna keep that one in mind;p

I am so over y'all. And it is indeed y'all, not ya'll. That's the difference between Southern Slang and Northern street slang.

Peace dear. Chill. Focus on helping other women, not threatening me, if you are brave enough to do that.

And since you know who wrote this post obviously, write me or phone me personally if you want to whisper your vodoo. None of the OPNO girls appreciate you making stuff out of the blog which has nothing to do with you or any of your friends.

If you want to be an anonymous internet coward, do it on your own time, and not through this blog.

Goodbye Anon. Hope you and ya'll learn better manners and some reading skills.
XOXO