Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A Post for all the mothers who've lost their children

I want to write you all about my friend Pearl. Some of you may know her from her blog . She was married in Dhofar, was a faithful good wife, and super doting mama, and now she is divorced and the custody of her son Qhatan in the hands of his father.... more or less.

As a mother I couldn't imagine be seperated from my daughter, especially when a child is under the age of two years.

In Islam, when the parents divorce, if the mother is a decent Muslim even IF the father is a better one, and the children are under two years of age, the custody goes to the mother. After two the mother may return the children to their father if she wishes to remarry. This is done in ISLAM to ALLOW the women to remarry and make new lives with husbands who might not accept the responsibilty of someone else's kids if their cultures are difficult on it. It doesn't mean that once the woman remarries she can never have custody of her children again! Or that She MUST give them up in the first place when doing so!

In Islam, Muslims are told to always put their mothers first after Allah Himself.

How could Pearl's son do this if he never sees her for example?

When a boy is nine he may decide under Shariah law, whether he wants to live with his mother or father.

I knew Pearl before all this happened. When I moved back to Oman she was willing to give me advice for everything. When I met her she was a super strict with herself Muslim and kind hearted person. Overly generous, even in tough times herself.

For a culture such as Dhofar's that discourages women from work and a career as something as shameful because "the REAL men will provide for them" [thus forcing them to become completely dependent]----what happens to those SAAAAAAAAAAAME ' real men' when a woman is divorced and the government affords her a salary of 100 rials a month for care of her baby, rent, and herself?

What is she to do? Where is she to go?

Who would treat the mother of their child like that anyway, forcing her to live in poverty to be able to see her child?

MOP says the following quote sums up his opinion of someone who would not make life easy on the mother of their own child: "THE BEST OF YOU {MUSLIM MEN} ARE THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE THE BEST TO YOUR WIVES AND YOUR FAMILIES" - The PROPHET MOHAMMED S.A.W

Some women stay in bad marriages until they commit suicide or just die by the mercy of Allah.

Pearl was braver than that. She knew she couldn't let THAT happen to herself.

And how do people congratulate Pearl?:

Pearl was told if she ever remarries she can never have custody of her son. Which is SO UN-ISLAMIC I wanna cry. She hasn't seen her baby. Or even been told about him.

There is NOOOOOOOOOO justice in that.

I know something more should be done legally.


HijabRockers said...

This is just crazy. Ask her to do Salah Hajat everyday and ask Allah to help her with this matter. This is just plain unjust. Did the husband proved that she's a bad mother in the court?

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

HijabRockers: Of ourse she has been making duas. No, it isn't required to prove one is an unfit mother. It is enough to say that her family isn't muslim I suppose even though Pearl's parents are the kindest to Muslims of any convert's parents I've even heard of. That was no taken into account.

Nasty Anon who wrote "hahaha that's whats going to happen to you one day idiot women who marry Arab men" "Not at all, because unlike Pearl, I was given the right to decide what would happen in any case of divorce when I wrote up my original marriage agreement while Pearl was never even informed of what the Arabic agreement she signed even said. My agreement states that if I say my husband mistreats me (my word is enough) I am entitled to instant divorce with a monthly payment from him of a reasonable ammount every month that even if he says he can't afford he can take out from a bank loan (this is to ensure no man can lie about it later). I also get custody. It also takes into account divorce with NO wrong doing by my husband. where he would get custody of my children but not have to pay beyond 2 months living expenses from me (my parents aren't like Pearl's) but get visitations that my husband would pay half the cost for ect. Women have the right to ask for more than I did in Islam. I just asked for what I believe is just.

Anonymous said...

If the woman remarries she loses custody. See here (Book 12, Number 2269):

Narrated Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As:

A woman said: Apostle of Allah, my womb is a vessel to this son of mine, my breasts, a water-skin for him, and my lap a guard for him, yet his father has divorced me, and wants to take him away from me. The Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said: You have more right to him as long as you do not marry.

Also, if she's living with her parents, a Muslim child growing up in a Christian home is unacceptable (doesn't matter if it's Mother Theresa).

But no visits, etc, is just cruel and certainly not Islamic.

Allah knows best.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Anonymous: It is a seperate apartment in her parents house so it is like renting from anyone else.
And less haraam in their house than...

I agree with the hadith. But this is done, the Prophet himself explained, to facilitate a woman's possible remarriage, not to say the children belong only to the father ect.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

even if I was divorced though... I wouldn't let my child live with MY non-Muslim parents for SURE. Not even if I was renting from them and had a seperate area.

Pearl's parents respect Islam more than some non-practicing Muslims do:)

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

And the remarriage thing is for a daughter more than a son. A son doesn't need a maharam like a daughter does and that's why around 9 they are given a choice where they want to live ect. .

Anonymous said...

Age 2 to 7 or 9 are formative years for a child, especially a son, so in the case of remarriage the child being raised by the father during those years makes sense.

The father is a parent and a human being too. No man wants his child raised by another man, or in another religion. At 7 let the child chose (according to the other hadiths in the book I linked). That seems reasonable to me. In the meantime the mother should absolutely visit at her leisure, inshaAllah. This is simple human empathy.

I'm most weary of the woman's parents (as I assume the judges were in this case). Trust me, at some point they will not resist trying to "save" (convert) the kid... Christian parents already do this, and much worse, to *their own* children who convert to Islam.

Anyway, I am no scholar, and I don't want to judge this woman. Allah knows best. Just keep in mind a father has rights too, and there are always two sides to every tragedy.


Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Anon: the thing is this man isn't "fathering" his child. He isn't around him. He is on the other side of the country and the son is being raise by the television watching music videos ect by his grandmother who cooks unhealthy foods and treats maids badly ect, and mocked a poius Muslim woman for wanting to wear hijab and uphold Islam over culture. I know where the boy would recieve formative parenting required to raise a good Muslim man---with his mother. Even if she rents off of her non-Muslim parents she still lives in a Muslim country and the law at least does favor her beliefs there.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Pearl's parents never tried to convert her, never were cruel to her. They like her religion because it made her more peaceful. Maybe one day they will become Muslims inshaAllah. They celebrate Eids. ect. . say bismillah, and only shop for halal foods.

Maybe the judge thought that they'd be the ones her son would be around but that wouldn't even be the case.

Anyways, to Allah will go all the unjust judges, and I wouldn't want that fate.

Allah help her, ameen.

Anonymous said...

What nationality is Pearl? Her Embassy may be able to get involved.

amatullah76 said...

"Who would treat the mother of their child like that anyway, forcing her to live in poverty to be able to see her child?"

You're only telling one side of the story. I've known her ex for many years and I can tell you that things didn't play out exactly as you're recounting them. You don't know all sides of the story, so why post only one?