Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Confessions of a Co-Wife

"The best of you [the Muslim men] are those of you who are best to your wives." –The Prophet Mohammed (peace and blessings be upon him).


Okay, first off, before I go on with this post, I will remind my readers, this blog is contributed to by 3 different women regularly. Our editor often blends events if needed to protect identities. So I am putting myself out there writing this. Because this is me. Only me.

A lot of female bloggers in Oman have been writing about the issue of polygamy [polygyny is the correct term for a man marrying more than one wife but a wife having only that one husband] in Oman recently.

Susan Al Shahri, OPNO, Dhofari Gucci, Mimi, and Shawawi Oman. Susan and Mimi are children of a polygynous marriage. Dhofari Gucci, OPNO, and Shawawi Oman are all women mixed up entirely in Omani society who know polygynous families.

I am writing this because I am a 20 something wife who also has a 20 something co-wife. And since no woman who is actually a wife in this situation has written a post on the subject, I figured I had to.

I won't say who is first wife and who is second because my co-wife and I both HATE the negative stereotypes shoved upon us by Arab society. This post shouldn't be colored by YOUR stereotypes, dear readers.

People have the nerve to accuse the first wife of not taking care of her husband enough. She is not beautiful enough maybe, or maybe her personality is dull. Or maybe she is fat or he got bored and she didn't watch out for that.

In our case, what the freakin' hell?!

They also think the second wife is all about sex. She got her man because of her beauty and there's nothing else worthy in her. She is a husband stealing woman, and thus okay with cheating, and backstabbing, and no one would want to be her friend. You can't trust her.

Do you know how people thinking like this hurt's a woman's self image? You people who think that way?: SUCK.

Or maybe she was more religious than her co-wife to be okay with being a co-wife in the first place?: But if she thinks she's better than the first wife in anyway, or would totally freak and get upset if her husband took a third, she definitely ISN'T.

And to the men. How they view the husband: it must totally all be about sex.

I LOL at that x100. Yeah, because when my co-wife and I are upset, it is always about sex. Sarcasm people. That is never where our troubles come from.

I know a lot of other wives in our same situation, but really none of the above applies to us. I know there are wives with crappy husbands. I feel sorry for them. But don't judge an entire institution on the prevalent stereotype.

Here is a quick rundown on our situation:

First wife was told by husband over a year before marriage to the #2 that he was looking for a second wife. More than six months before his marriage to #2, he introduced #2 to #1 and informed #1 of his intention to marry potential #2.

#1 & #2 really liked each other as people. If the idea wasn't sharing the same man, we'd likely be bestfriends. Sharing a husband makes that friendship a bit awkward in places. Which isn't to say we aren't friends, but only, not as close of friends as we would be if we weren't wives of the same man.

#2, knowing how hard things would be on wife #1, chose to give up her right to a big public wedding like #1 had, or a honeymoon period. Since husband had done this with wife #1, wife #2 deserved the same. #2 forwent this right because adjusting to sharing time and days and nights is something wife #1 has to get used to, more than wife #2. So things started with equal days for both. I won't lie. The first four months were hard for both of us. It got easier with time, especially when our communication worked better.

Wife #1 was religious enough to never reject a greeting from wife #2, or to refuse a visit. And wife #2 knew she didn't have anything above #1 and didn't try to influence her new husband to her favor over the rights of wife #1.

Thus, we are both able to communicate our concerns and solve problems together. Really, if our husband screws up on anything with one of us, and it is truly his fault, both of us get angry at him together. If one of us gets mad at him, and he isn't at fault, our co-wife gently advises us of this. Having someone who truly understands your marital problems AND YOUR husband's personality, is a benefit, if both wives are willing to help each other.

We both have our own houses. We would like to live in the same neighborhood as eachother but sharing the same house would be too hard on our husband. And a woman in Islam has the right to her own house. Though generally during the Eids we spend time in one of our homes together.

The harem scenario non-muslims picture never happens because we split our days up. When I see a photo of two muslim women and a man tagged "his two wives" it annoys me because we don't really go out together like that. Not because we don't like eachother but that we like to spend time with our husband on our days. It is more likely for us to go out together without him. Only on the Eids or for visits do we come together like that, because it is a special time about family, and not about romance, ect. Our kids love to play together and we love eachother's children.

About sex {and my husband reads this blog, so understand, Dear, why I am writing this}. Shawawi Oman asked that if the husband had sex with 1 wife so many times that he has to with his other wife.

My answer: technically, in Islam, the husband isn't supposed to share bedroom details about one wife with another unless there is some medical reason. But what he has to do, of course as his health permits, is satisfy the sexual needs of all of his wives equally. His own needs may be kept private. So, to be honest, I find this beneficial. There are times when a wife might not want sex, but it is also for her to satisfy her husband's needs you know? It goes both ways. My co-wife and I can always share this while another wife who is the only wife might have to act all sexy when she isn't really in the mood. Husband still might have to, but really, he makes sure all our needs are fine, and there are no complaints on the wives' side.

Do I not get jealous over my husband having sex with another woman?

Nope. Our husband gives us equal time, and is enough for us romance-wise. I would be jealous if this were not so though. If we ever feel insecure about this, my cowife and I talk to eachother and talk to our husband to resolve any misunderstandings fairly.

Do I get jealous?

Yes, of course. But I was in a marriage before the marriage I am currently in, where I was the first and only wife. My ex-husband was totally dedicated to be faithful only to me romance wise. A lot of Arab women were even jealous of this, his public declaration of me being the only woman for him and that he would never ever take a second wife.

There were still things I got jealous of. His work. His friends. His hobbies. Any time these things overrode my personal needs, and my needs always became second, it didn't matter if I was an only wife or not. I was just not important enough.

In a plural marriage as I am now in, it falls to my husband to make sure my needs, and co-wife's are taken care of. Really, he puts us before himself all the time, in his time, in his money. He doesn't have much time for himself, and he doesn't have much money left for himself. He makes sure we get to see the things we want to see, do the things we want to do. And makes each of us feel special and unique while he does so.

I get jealous when he buys a new phone and spends a lot of time with it when I want his attention. I get jealous if he hangs out with his friends on my days, and wouldn't be doing the same on my co-wife's days. Things like that. If I tell him my feelings, he usually works it out so it is fair. I still hate bloody new phones though. Even if I know he is ignoring my co-wife an equal amount over that same stupid phone;)

I know for a fact I have more time with my husband than a lot of women whose husband's have only one wife. And I am important to him. And my co-wife, she knows her value too. I don't think I'd be satisifed with my marriage though, if my husband had a job that left him little time for us even if he equated that time fairly. We both get insecure over time.

If there happens to be a conflict of interest between my co-wife and I, we either make a compromise between ourselves like, you get to travel this vacation, and I will get to next ect, and our husband does the same, balancing those things we want and need that coincide in a way that can't be divided.

Next question. How can you feel like you are special when your husband has another wife who is special to him too?

Well, for us, my co-wife and I are very different women. He loves different things in us equally. It was important that he not just marry a younger version of wife #1. Both of us have only the slightest age difference and our husband is near to us in age, not ludicrously older. Physically my co-wife and I are entirely different personas, so we aren't comparable. Personality-wise as well. And my co-wife and I agree, to have certain places that our special just to our husband and us that the other wife won't go to with husband, so long as they are equal with the special places/things of the other wife. So we have equal, but different things. To feel special. It works.

Alot of women have this idea of an all absorbing one-and-only love. I don't believe in this. I believe in a love that is earned and deserved that grows with every day rather than just taking over in an instant and having nowhere to go from there. I don't believe there is only one person out there for everyone, but I believe my co-wife and I have both found a man who is right for us.

Why should a man need two wives?

I can't speak for others. Just my own case:

Because he can and because he loves us. And he saw something worthy in us that was worth dedicating most of the efforts of his life to. And because we both needed him. Love and respect can't be changed just because one wishes both things might go away if it would make life easier or more convenient.

And waiting for someone like him who wouldn't be finding me or her or someone like me or someone like her?

I suppose we could have waited. Waited for that kind of fairytale love, but then we'd be missing out on the love and happiness we have right now. And honestly, I wouldn't want any other woman to miss out on that kind of love and happiness.

So if my husband felt like he wanted to, and he could afford to, and did so Islamically, if he ever wanted to marry a third, my co-wife and I could both support the idea. And in our situation, #2 isn't a hypocrite. I don't think he wants to though, because making a marriage work with just two people in it is alot of work. With 3 there alot of needs and wants to consider. He's tired with us. With another, unless he retires, it might be too much for him. Of course, there are more people to help out when the going gets rough too, provided both husband and wives want their marriage to work under the Shariah conditions for it, and have the Islamic manners Muslims are supposed to have for eachother.

Honestly, in this day and age, I can't imagine a man managing four wives well. 3 I can fathom. 4 I really cannot. He'd have to be Superman, that's for sure.

With 4 wives, all the women would be spending more than a weekend's length of time apart. Me, personally, I couldn't handle that when I am honest with myself.

But with just me and my cowife I can like the time apart for the following reasons:

The weekend length of time we spend now is good for a few things.

It makes you miss eachother so no one ever gets bored but not so long that you forget eachother.

As a woman, you have some days off from being super-wife. You can eat snack food all day and sit in your pajamas and let the house go or go shopping with your girlfriends and not care about what time you get home and get complete control of the tv remote.

Yet you still get to call someone who loves you and tell them about your day and know if you get sick that they'll rush to come take care of you.

And on the days that are yours he thinks you are this incredible woman who has time to help him make an incredible dinner, and dress nice, and give him your undivided attention.

I personally like someone thinking that about me. That I am this smart, sweet, sexy, organized woman. Which I am, of course, only liking to be.

I also like that my co-wife is like my sister. I get to tell her things, and ask her things, and she can reassure me when I am insecure. I don't have any other Muslim family so she is that for me, no matter what we go through.

It doesn't matter if you are a strong working woman or not who doesn't need a man to provide for her. You still desire in your heart someone you can provide a home for, who loves you, and needs you, and makes you feel special.

There aren't alot of men who can handle our situation [though there are alot who naively think they can]. And there are some women out there who aren't meant for it either. I get so angry at all those men in Oman who do it all so selfishly and unjustly so that my co-wife and I get all those women out there feeling misplaced pity for us, or anger at our situation. Or who automatically equate our husband with a group of losers.

That's my 2 cents. The confession of a co-wife who adores her co-wife and is deeply in love with the husband we share. A husband who deeply believes that no man can be a good muslim if he is married to a decent woman and yet he leaves her unhappy.

Never marry a man who doesn't understand that, even if you'll only ever be his "one and only".

94 comments:

shakuka said...

I understand most of your points here, still, isn't the husband enjoying the company of one of the wives all the time, while you, as a #1 or #2 wife, enjoy half of the company of your husband?

Many people pity polygamy but as I was guessing before, polygamy wouldn't really happen without the agreement of the WOMAN. however, people blame exclusively men for the situation of polygamy. Polygamy wouldnt happen if women would realize it's them who have to eradicate this practice, but it seems clearly that there are a lot who enjoy it.

Awesome post!! You've just provided us something really special.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Shakuka: Yes, my husband always does have to be in the company of either me or my co-wife. He will tell you or anyone, this is both the bane and the biggest blessing of his daily blessing. I know for a fact he'd love to pack up and have a weekends length of time away from both of us, to get to have lazy time off from being a spouse, but he doesn't get to. That is his burden and responsibility since he gets the benefit of both of us. We both insist he suck it up and "deal" even when he gets tired. Thankfully, he's a good guy, so he does. :)

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

*daily life* not daily blessing. Sorry for the typo.

Mimisha said...

Great post!
My father n law married a 2nd wife and it really destroyed a lot. And im so sad when males do that when they r not capable of it. Still u r right that when its done right it can be happy and good.

Anyway i love the last 2 sentences.
Ill use them as my facebook status :D

Convert_chica said...

Assalaamu alaikum :)

Thanks for posting this! It's nice to hear something positive about polygamy from someone who is living it.

When I first converted polygamy was a concept I really struggled to accept, but thanks to bloggers like you who talk about it like it is...I find myself being ok with it. And you are SO spot on about being jealous in a 'single' marriage, lol :)

Jazak Allah khair

Anonymous said...

Isn't it a matter of equality? Your husband can have 2 or 3 wives - when will you be able to take an additional husband? (perhaps to pay you attention when he gets his next new phone?)

Wembley

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Wembley, I am not the OPNO that wrote this post but I can tell you, none of us want to have to manage two husands. You guys are too much work as it is.

Equality in Islam is a balance of things between the sexes. We are equal, but in different things. We are more valued as mothers, we have zero financial responsibility unless we want to contribute, ect... The rights are distributed equally, but sometimes in different places.

candy olive said...

So happy for you and your islamic marriage working out so well. Insha Allah may Allah (SWT) bless you and your family with even more love, companionship.

Mimi said...

Although religions look down on women, the majority of religious people in all religions are women. Weird, right? No one knows why, but it could be stockholm syndrome?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

We don't have any problems with my half sisters and half brothers too. We love them and they love us. We have so much fun together. But still, parents don't know what's going on in the children's minds. They don't know how they feel, and how polygamy affects them.

I think polygamy is just selfish. The man is selfish when he decides to have a second wife. the first wife is selfish if she let him have another wife.

my mother, as a first wife, wanted to get divorced, but she didn't have anyone to go to, which forced her to try to accept it.

If someone follows the Sunna they should consider that the prophet didn't have children when he had that number of wives(except ibrahim). think about it and try to take a lesson from it.

xxx

hijabi said...

Love this post. Thanx for sharing your story.

Lady Carrot said...

Salam aleykom, i just read your post, first time i can hear from someone who is really in situation, positive situation. We can hear mostly bad things about polygamy. I admire you and yr co-wife for being such fair and friendly to eachother. Im a revert and the topic of polygamy was for me alwsays taboo, but as more i got deep as more i understood. Allah knows best what he is giving us right to do. If you r happy in this, im happy for u. But personally i cannot imagine sharing my husband. Love means something else for everyone of us, for me love, life, having sex and etc are smth i cannot share, cannot share my man. He is mine and finish. But all of us think different, and all of us ahs right to choose. I wish all families with 2 or more wives are as happy and smart like yours. Good luck and let Allah bless you girls. Regards from frozen Poland...to beautifull Oman. Inshallah i`ll visit it one day, i dream about this

Anonymous said...

HI, since the post is in public, I believe everyone has right to talk, I am not here to defend anyone, thank you for your post and share with us. But, I only have one question, where is the dignity of a woman who steal the husband from a wife and steal the father from the children. It is such a shame for anyone who agree to perform polygamy, stop the word of islamic law, Allah has never taught us to be a thief. We are all women. We women all have to understand women and respect women. You don't have to believe in one love one life, but you don't have to destroy others' life for your selfishness. I hope every woman find their true love in a way of manner. Being proud of being a woman.
BigRedDog

Anonymous said...

Hi, since the post is in public, I believe everyone has the right to offer their point of view and there is nothing offended. I have only one question, where is the woman's dignity? When you steal a husband from a wife, steal a father from the children. Stop using the word of equality in Islam, Allah has never taught us being a thief. The equality is not exist when the polygamy is performed!! Women should always be proud of being a woman by respecting, loving, caring other women; not by destroying other's life just for your selfishness. The meaning of Islam is peace, not conflict. If the polygamy is the way of being religious, shall we say prostitution is just a way of reasonable business. Wake up, women. Stop hurting women. I hope everyone find their true love, but in a way of manner.

Boxie said...

I have seen it work, and I have seen it not work. When everyone comes at it from an Islamic prospective it works well. In the end it comes down to the capabilities of all who are involved. There is a reality tv show in the USA called "sister wives" (main stream Mormon fundamentalist) that is good at showing how multiple marriage can work. They are all happy in the marriage, though have struggled at times like all people do in a marriage. There kids are also well adjusted, some wanting to in the future, others not, and the rest have not made up their mind.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimisha: I am so sorry to here that:( Your poor mother in law.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

COnvert Chica: Wa alaykom salaam. Yeah, jealous in a single marriage was worse than my jealous now, believe it or not.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Thanks, OPNO;).

Wembley: It really isn't a big deal the phone thing. I just was giving an example that I do get annoyed still. Even if I was an only wife the situation would still be the same. New phones would still annoy me. I don't want another husband. I want 1 man to love me and understand me but still have time for myself.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Candy Olive: Thank you and ameen. The same to you and your family.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi: LOL, I actually don't feel hurt at all. I feel extra help sometimes though. But I mean, me and my cowife are really lucky in eachother. And our husband is fair and quite in tune with our feelings even if we don't speak them.

I intend to speak to my children. I read your post on how you felt insecure because of people comparing your siblings and yourself and I thought about it. I don't think we'll have the same troubles as we're not in Dhofar or stuck in culture. And we intend to raise our children next door to eachother so they always have their father around whenever they need him, khalas.

Honestly, polygany in our case is the opposite of selfish. I was more selfish with my husband when I was the only wife than I am now. He is also less selfish. We are all more patient and giving.

As for your mother, I am deeply sorry about that, and will with all my heart that men that have never been married or are divorced or widowed would marry previously married women instead of always opting for virgins. This attitude in Omani men sickens me. It is really the biggest thing hurting people in my situation because those like us who choose to live in the situation can with less stigma, because then we won't have to apologise for those women who have had no choice, and are forced. No one should be forced to stay where she is unhappy and isn't getting what she needs from her husband. Wallah, I am sorry.

As for your Islamic point, it is invalid. He had children and they died. It wasn't that they didn't want or didn't try to have more children. But I think it exemplifies one of the beautiful things about Islam. Marriage has more to it than popping out babies.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Hijabi: thanks for reading.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Lady Carrot: Thank you.

On the whole deifinition of love thing-I used to think that way but then, I realized, another woman out there has the same definition as me, and do I not want her to have the ability to experience the same happiness I have? So that sort of made me begin to explore the concept within its Islamic concepts.

I don't think it can work though if the man doesn't do it for the right reasons and the right way, and if the women don't want to be Islamic about it either.

And in Islam we have the choice, we don't have to accept the situation.

I think the choice makes it easier.

Unfortunately, Arab society make divorce a cage.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Anon: Um... okay. Saying someone is selfish or a theif ect... is offensive whether it is said anonymously on a blog post or not. But since the grammer is a bit choppy, word choice might not have been meant as it was.

Islam is peaceful. Which means, we should want for others what we want for ourselves. If it is hard for another woman to have the same happiness and quality of husband that I have, how is it selfish of me to think it is okay for her to have that?

As for stealing men. A bad man is always bad, but men can't be stolen. They are either looking or they are not. And not all men who marry a second wife are dishonest about it. Though alot are, but that ISN'T RIGHT in Islam.

Prostitution is condemned in Islam. Marrying more than one wife is allowed for taking care of Shairah orphans. You can't compare a forbidden act with a halal act.

And my co-wife and I both have our diginity. Dignity to us means not being defined by a man or society, but by what we believe a woman is and should be.

I am not saying polygamy is religion. I don't even beleieve polygyny is a sunnah in Islam (recommended practice). I believe the life of the Prophet S.A.W gave us a sunnah of how to deal with the situation, but was not a recommendation of the act itself. But it is part of Islam, whether you like it or not. If you reject that, you reject the Prophet S.A.W was a prophet sooooo....

I'll leave that up to you.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Boxie: I think I saw the family from the show on Oprah?

Mimi said...

"Islam is peaceful."

This is what muslims say and what the quran/sunna doesn't say.

He had children from khadija only. He didn't have more than one wife when he was married to Khadija (probably he just wanted her money).

I wish western converts help muslims and arabs produce something other than babies, but it looks many of them are just so fascinated with islamic culture that they cannot think of criticising it.

Again if you studied fgm in the sunna why don't you try to study polygamy as well? Maybe it sounds 'good' to you which is why you didn't consider how polygamy can be bad.

If islam is a peaceful religion why didn't it say no to polygamy? Everyone says that most polygamist families are unhappy. And probably god knows that the majority of arab men are selfish and stupid and they won't follow the islamic reasons of polygamy you've been talking about.

Its weird don't you think so? The quran says alcohol's benefits are much more than its bad things. Yet muslims forbade drinking it. However, the bad effects of polygamy are much more than its bad effects. Yet islam didn't forbid polygamy.

What a religion. Really. Full of contradictions!

I'm very worried about humankind because of Islam. Muslims kill lives in the name of this religion by different means, Jihad, killing apostates, ''polygamy'', etc, etc

You can't judge how polygamy affects your children now. Maybe in 10 or 15 years you can see its bad effects.

All the best

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi, I have read every hadith considered sahih by sunnis. I have read the entire Qu'ran. I also studied history of the time period of the advent of Islam and that previous to it in a Western context. I come to different conclusions than you, who was raised in a VERY cultural environment. You can't just assume that a convert is less educated than you. The majoirty of Sunni and Shia sources are translated. Ibadhi, not so much, but I am trying to study their stuff as well.

It is insulting that you say I didn't study polygany as in depth as I did FGM. That is nonsense. I studied polygamy even more in depth than I did FGM as to know about it you have to study all the interactions of the Prophet with his wives, Abu Bakr with his, and the wives with eachother et all.

That you say converts just contribute babies to Islam is also insulting. I support the right of women in Islam, I support education, and I support the eradication of cultural practices masking themselves as Islamic life.

You, yourself, are not contributing anything to Islam. You have left it. You don't believe in the same things as me.

I feel wholly comfortable critisizing those things that are unislamic such as the Muslims themselves, and even some of the choices of the Muslims in the lifetime of the Prophet.
The Prophet had living children from Khadijah and Maria the Coptic Christian. He had children that didn't survive as well from the other wives. It is in the hadiths.

Plus, my husband AND my cowife are children of polgynous marriages. And they are well adjusted individuals WITHOUT self-esteem issues. So obviously, not all children suffer as you say they do. So inshaAllah our children will follow in this suit.

As for knowing men are weak and stupid? The Angels knew that too. They asked Allah why He created men in the first place. The word for mankind in Arabic comes from the root "to forget". To forget Allah and what we were created for.

In the end times, Islam says there will be more Muslim women than Muslim men. I take this to mean, there will be more practicing Muslim women than practicing Muslim men. So I dont think it is selfish at all that some other woman deserves the same happiness, love, and care as me.

Most polygamist families are unhappy because they didn't meet the Shariah rules that make it permissable in thei first place. My family isn't though, and that's WHY Islam doesn't forbid it. Just says it is very difficult. And must be done with noble intentions and by a strong man.

As for alcohol? My gosh, it doesn't say that AT all. It says there is some good in wine and gambling, but MORE evil in it. Sometimes in gambling you win.Soemtimes you lose your house and the shirt off your back. One glass of red wine is good for the heart. Being a drunk is bad for the heart. You really don't have any idea about alcohol my dear, none at all:(. I don't mean to patronize, but just saying that, you don't.

And Mimi, you know, the Islam that I follow, I would never let anyone hurt you. Not at all. I don't think you ever chose Islam because you believed in it. You were Muslim because you were raised one. So, the Islam I believe in---I would protect you if anyone sought to hurt you. But if I suddenly stopped believing? You can kill me, I am all good with it. I only try to judge myself, not others. Judgement belongs to Allah. And terrorists blowing people up? Islam forbids cutting down a fruit tree, let alone killing unarmed civilians, soooooo.... Yeah, that isn't Islam.

I am still sorry your mother was treated unfairly.

Boxie said...

OPNO: Maybe, no clue. I don't watch her show.

I gota say Wow at some of the comments. There is so much anger in them.

I have to say, Mimi I take offence at your depiction of western converts. This is like saying all arabs are backwards. Not the majority for either, though there is the odd case for both.

Western converts have to work a lot harder then you think and really study and learn, as from most of the sisters I know and myself have experienced criticism over how we practice Islam. We have to learn the difference between culture that has been passed off as Islam, and what Islam really is, and boy do people bump heads when there is talks about it. Hell I got into a huge debate over barriers in the mosque being biddah as it came after the prophet (the first caliph was the one to introduce it) or women playing sports is totally fine. Assuming that converts do not ask hard questions about the practice of Islam is unfounded.

I will note there is a difference in a convert who converts just because of marriage and one who converts out of a deep spiritual belief.

As a convert we have to play the constant role of bridge between Muslims and non Muslims. Saying that we get asked a heck of a lot of hard questions, and are expected to know the answer to. This means lots of learning. And as we converted we had to ask those questions ourselves. No one just picks up a book and says, "today I am ________ and I will never question or try to learn for myself".

Islam teaches us to ask questions and debate when we are learning, and to always try and learn. In the time of the Prophet there where debates taking place in the mosques during jummah.

Sadly in this day and age it is not as wide spread the belief that debate is exceptable within Islam, and boy is that frustrating.

Not all children that are from a multiple marriage are unhappy or angry. Each person is different. It really comes down to how the family interacts and how they ended up in a multiple marriage. I know this from knowing some grown children that come from these types of marriages.

I will not even touch on the anger that you seem to be holding towards Islam, that is something you have to deal with yourself.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

B: I miss u n will check out ur photoblog when zz sleeps.

Anonymous said...

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for your husband's behaviour. You said it all when you said he does it because he can -- and I don't see what difference it makes that it's religiously 'acceptable'.

Your marriage may be fine while you're young, rich and full of religious zeal...things might look different in a few years.

"biohazard"
(monogamous 20 yrs)

Lady Carrot said...

Dear Omani Princess, there r many aspects of love. We cannot expect that everyone thinks and feels as we do. I understand your point of view, and i respect it. But i got a feeling that u encourage people to share your point of view, in this particular topic. I wish all my sisters in islam r as happy as i am, believe me i do. Being #1 or #2 doesnt work for everyone. Im happy that it works for u, that it makes yr life happy. But some of us r not created like this. I feel 100% happy with my marriage and my husband does same, if we r not, maybe we will think to find a solution. We should remember that people marry from different reasons, not all feel smth called love. I m not arab, and i was raised in a culture which has nth to do with islam, and alhamdullah im far from this. Yes, we do have a choice given ny Allah, and do have a right to be the only wife, or to be a co-wife. We know that we cannot forbid our man to marry another,but if we do not accept life with another wife, we do not agree to continue. I know that many arab woman have no choice, as u said divorce is hell for them..so there is out there many issues. My point is just there is no one general recipe for life. What is paradise for u, can be the hell for me, or opposite. Let Allah bless all marriages and make them prosper right, according to islam ♥ ameen.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Biohazard: What excuses? What did I say that he does wrong?

I didn't give you the specific reasons he married us. That's too personal for both me and my co-wife, but that he was able to (can) [that means, treating us fairly and being able to make us happy in this marriage ect]---[I didn't mean because Islam gives him the right to] and that he loves us is important. The AND you leave out is very important.

How will getting older hurt us do you figure? As for money, we aren't rich. Our husband isn't rich but we have food and rent. And even if times have happened that we've been short for those, that hasn't hurt us yet. Religious zeal? LOL, I tend to have zeal for everything in life, so that probably won't change. Maybe I'll calm in how I expres it though;)

Congratulations on your long marriage:). I am not saying this is for everyone. Polygyny is an exception even in Islam. It is meant only to take care of women who cannot provide for themselves, or who would otherwise be a lifetime without a husband.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Lady Carrot: I am thinking just of myself, and the Islamic definition of "love" inside of marriage. I didn't mean to imply that any woman is less than a woman who doesn't want a co-wife, I swear! :) I am so sorry if I am not clear.

I believe that polygyny is an exception Islam makes. It is not a sunnnah, but the sunnah gives us guidance on how to deal with it. So that does mean, the majority of Muslim women will be the only wife. Islam says this is better, as in, it is easier, and has less chance of being unfair.

Khadijah was Mohammed S.A.W's only wife while she was alive, and he was happy with her, and didn't marry another although he could have. When she died he was deeply sad, and didn't remarry until one of his friends suggested it would alleviate some of his sadness. The first wife he married after Khadijah was old, and described by some of the Sahaba as not being very attractive. And even after he had married Aisha bint Abu Bakr, who he had great love for, he still cried over a memory of Khadijah. I think one wife is alot easier for a man. And can be easier on a woman depending on her feelings.

I saw just speaking about myself and my co-wife;)

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

was* not saw

Mimi said...

Boxie,

"Islam teaches us to ask questions and debate when we are learning,"

Islam doesn't teach you that. It's just muslims and books that say that Islam does.

Or I have to say: where's the evidence? I need a Quranic verse.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi: May I?

The first prophetic line ever revealed to Mohammed s.a.w.? It says: READ. That ayah is in the Qu'ran.

As well as hadith?: Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave.

Example: When Umar was Caliph, he was saying something, and was incorrect. Um Salamah, corrected him, and said he was wrong. People got mad at her, because you can't disagree with your Islamic authority right? Umar said, she was right to correct him, because he was wrong.

Boxie can add way more example of the debates during Rasoolulah's lifetime if she'd grace us with them;)

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

*I didn't study that in depth so won't write a post on it;)

Mimi said...

Well the verse says there are BENEFITS of alcohol, but there's only "a bad thing" about it too. Which is why I said the quran acknowledge alcohol is good. Anyway why wouldn't the prophet just say it was haram?! He was hesitating in every verse about alcohol and he didn't even say it directly at the end.

And btw I didn't say that western converts are less educated than me. Why did you say I did?

And did you read anything by..hmm, muhammad abduh for example? He was a muslim of course, one of the Islahiyeen. Ok maybe read something by a western orientalist who believes the prophet was a man who just thought he was a prophet? I have read so many books about islam, from the books by saudi sheikhs to muslim brotherhood books. And now I read books by arabs who used to be muslims. I saw different points of view, and I chose what makes sense to me. At first I was totally in love with saudis. I was even planning to live in saudi arabia and learn islam there. Then I fell in love with mmuslim brotherhood leaders, because they're the well educated muslim scholars, but when my questions didn't end I started reading for others, and now my questions about islam and mohammad are answered and I don't believe in them.

I mean you have to read what others say too. I mean it, westerners definitely had better education, and I hate to see them brainwashed by this weird sets of beliefs called islam. They should try save humanity from barbaric actions and beliefs of muslims. Take me as an example. I'm very scared because of my new beliefs. Well you know the punishment of being apostate in Islam. Anyway they should try to save muslims themselves. Thousands die because some weird superficial practices during hajj.

Anyway I'm glad you're happy. But let me tell you that I will work hard to eradicate Islamic beliefs from the Arab world, my Nation. As much as I hate Islam now I want to see Arabs really civilised. I mean I'll do my best, even though I know the situation won't change in this century. I think I got part of the truth and I should work hard for my people who r speaking my language. Many Arab atheists have the same feelings and they write so much just for the sake of changing the reality of Arabs.

Mimi said...

Read? Lol. Yeah I listened to this valuable piece of advice, which is why I left Islam at the end lol. Now I don't know what to call it, advice or curse?

Sorry I'm using my blackberry. I know a verse that literally tell you not to ask questions!! The prophet probably said it probably to save himself from a critical situation. I know another verse that doesn't encourage asking questions but can't remember each word of it.

Anyway I'm writing by my blackberry. I'll look for an english translation of that verse and post it here soon inshallah.

Another thing, are you sure that's a hadith? Just wondering

Mimi said...

I suggest you also read about the process of collecting the Quran. Maybe not only read by try to criticise what you read.

there are so many signs that the quran was corrupted. Omar bin al khattab mentioned a verse that doesn't exist in the quran, which is the verse of stoning adulterers. It was supposed to be in the chapter of Al Ahzaab, if I'm not mistaken.

Lady Carrot said...

No need to say sorry...maybe i misunderstood your words. We just exchanges our opinions :)And btw, from all the comments we can see that polygamy is still a TABOO topic...and u r brave to show a piece of personality by explaning this to us, readers.

I really like to read your blog, because you seems to be kind and intelligent person. I didnt read all the posts yet, coz u write a lot, girl! But inshAllah i will find time to read`em all.

@Mimi, im wondering what is the reason that u`r so tough in front of islam..There`s an answer for everything. There`s an explanation for everything. Quran and Sunnah, one explain the other. First cannot exist without the second, and opposite. Remember, that religion is perfect, but human not. I wish you all best inshAllah you will find yourself

Mimi said...

I'm here again.

Here are the verses:
"يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ لاَ تَسْأَلُواْ عَنْ أَشْيَاءَ إِن تُبْدَ لَكُمْ تَسُؤْكُمْ وَإِن تَسْأَلُواْ عَنْهَا حِينَ يُنَزَّلُ الْقُرْآنُ تُبْدَ لَكُمْ عَفَا اللّهُ عَنْهَا وَاللّهُ غَفُورٌ حَلِيمٌ. قَدْ سَأَلَهَا قَوْمٌ مِّن قَبْلِكُمْ ثُمَّ أَصْبَحُواْ بِهَا كَافِرِينَ."
[5\101-102]

I can't remember the other verse. But this is enough I guess. Whatever interpretations it was given, it's clearly an order not to ask questions.

The prophet wouldn't feel embarrassed this way, right? But he didn't come up with anything new anyway. all or almost all the stories of the quran are basically jewish or christian, except Isra and Miraj story, whose origin is Zoroastrian. He probably learnt these stories during his journeys.

http://www.answeringexperts.com/question/What-Is-The-Main-Theme-Of-The-Book-Arda-Viraf-Namag-q1266.aspx

Please look for a source with more details. I found a link but it's blocked by Omantel.

the convert sickness said...

this blog post is so full of rationalization it is sickening. I bet you would also rationalize a 3-some with your so-called CO-WIFE (damaged goods) and husband. Also, your entire blog is against google's terms of service (1 person per account) and has been reported.

Anonymous said...

What a load of apologist crap. Just because you and your husband's other woman are self-deluded and have zero self regard, that doesn't make it okay for you to promote this outdated, harmful practice to other women. Polygyny might work in one of a million cases, but in general, it causes far more harm than good. Also, you imply that polygyny is a "right." The Quran tells us that polygyny is a conditional permission, only for cases in which men are too greedy to be just to orphans unless they marry them. No "because he wants to."

♥ααℓiα♥ said...

Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah ya Um ZZ and Abu ZZ

Alls I can say is that I am so grateful for ur hospitality and am so glad to know how happy y'all are!! If only all polyganous marriages could function like this... Personally, I can't speak from experience about this particular topic as I am the only wife *but* I am in full support of this practise IF DONE CORRECTLY!!

JazakumAllahu5ayran for everything <3

Umm Ibrahim said...

salam, lemme just jump in and say...Mimi...sis, I dunno who you are but girl, your jacked up. Just cuz YOU had a wacked up life, and saw islam practiced in a wacked up, culture way doesnt mean thats Islam and it doesnt mean those people were anything close to Muslims! Like that crazy Somali heifer who left Somali and ran to Europe and wrote all kinds of stupid books about ho aeful her life was and how bad Islam if. If you actually read them, you realize that heifer had and HAS NO IDEA about islam! Like, she rites some bull like, all cuz she couldnt accept the marriage her dad aranged that, that made her a sinner and she couldnt be Muslim. Dude, thats a joke. She doesnt even know that Islam doesnt allow forced marriage? That God is merciful? That its her family that as in the wrong for pepetuating kaffur customs that arent Islamic?!?
Thats messed up...and alas, u also seem messed up, Why dont u get off ur high horse of...oh, i'm a born Muslim, my family was all jacked up...and actually learn your deen, cuz girl, you dont know nothing!

Sorry for getting all ghetto but I get angry hen I see Muslims who dont know their own faith dissin' on Islam.

*rolls eyes! NEXT!*

Anonymous said...

Salam ..thanks for sharing.interesting view on polygyny. I was just curious about the meaning of 2 sentences.


"I know for a fact I have more time with my husband than a lot of women whose husband's have only one wife. ... "
Wouldn't u have less time seeing he has another wife and I'm sure a job and family and so on? wouldn't it mean the opposite?

"I don't think I'd be satisifed with my marriage though, if my husband had a job that left him little time for us even if he equated that time fairly."
Again does ure husband not have to work or something.?.i dont see how he can have more time with you when a regular hubby spends every hour off work and night at home..but I'm sure with another wife you spend some nights alone?
Sorry if it seems I'm prying i just didn't understand what you meant.
Jazakallah Khair for taking the time to answer everyone and delve into a really sensitive topic even for your self seeing its so close to home.
You have given a different side to the typical stereotype of polygyny and I'm sure many new muslimas and born muslims can benefit from.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi: The verse you are referring to, IN CONTEXT, is when the Sahaba kept asking questions of is this sinful, or is this good, ect, and the Prophet said that ayah is to mean Islam is not difficult. They shouldn't try to make things forbidden. For example, when people asked how many people or dogs were in the cave in Surah Al Kaf and they fought about that? If Allah didn't tell you that it wasn't important and arguing about things like that weaken the Ummah. It isn't about "stay ignorant". Can you please keep your comments on the issue of polygyny and write a post on your own blog about the reasons you think the Qu'ran is wrong? Boxie can reply to your comments there.

I studied how to authenticate Biblical texts in University, if they were authentic or not. Don't you think I did the same before I decided to swear allegience to a faith that says one can be killed if they leave it BEFORE I converted? I am not an idiot, or THAT naively idealistic.

And yes, I am sure that is a hadith. The hadith that is a made up one is "pursue knowledge even if you have to go to China". The site you quoted for authentication of hadiths is not one I respect. Anyways, I saved all your comments about Qu'ran being made up or whatever. I can repost them on your blog if you write a post or something and we can dsicuss it there. It isn't a disucssion I want on my blog. My blog is a cultural blog not a purely Islamic one. I don't want the non-Muslims who read my blog to think something wrong because of something I don't have the energy to post or desire on my blog. So many things have to be explained at they won't have the knowledge to know things in context as you take them out of that setting. Please don't be mad at me:)

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Convert Sickness: Ewwww you are gross and sick. I am not rationalizing. I am explaining what people don't expect or know. Just because you don't like how we live doesn't mean you can belittle it or try to pervert our reality.

And my cowife IS NOT a convert. Her family has been Muslim for hundreds upon hundreds of years.

There is no such thing as threesome. I hate the Orientalist oversexualized "harem" image people have of us. Which is why I wrote the post.

You can't even exchange bedroom details, and we each have our own nights. Husband never sleeps with both women in the same day, even in seperate places. Clean your mind dearie.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Convert Sickness: and NOT one of us believe the 2nd wife is damaged goods. That is the culture.

You just want to be mean. Grow up.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Lady Carrot: Thank you for understanding me:)

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Other anon: I am not apologizing for being happy in my life that you find despiciable. You obviously want me to apologize but we have done nothing wrong and aren't hurting ANYONE. So why are you so angry about it?

I believe self regard comes from within my self, and no man has anything to do with that, whether I marry or not.

And it isn't harmful to all women. The practice itself isn't. It is the men who do it without considering how it will effect the women involved. You yourself said "Polygyny might work in one of a million cases," and it does, for us. So no one has the right to try and make us feel bad about ourselves because of other people who are unjust. Trying to do that is UNJUST TO US.

I don't imply polygyny is a right. I agree. The Quran tells us that polygyny is a conditional permission, only for cases tp support women who are shriah orphans. If anyone does it in the way that the Qu'ran allows it, it can never be greedy for the man. It makes him give more of himself and give up alot of his rights.

Obviously I didn't explain our situation well enough for you to understand how much the husband has to do and give, and I apologise for that.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Aalia: Wa alaikom e salaam. No worries. You're a sister;)

I agree. I don't support it for all men, all ways, or all women. Just those who can do it.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Umm Ibrahim: I totally understand your anger, but Ayan Hirsi Ali is no cow;) and I feel Mimi is in the same boat as her. Really, I just feel sorry for them, having to grow up so wedged and confined in the culture. I would have rejected Islam too, if it were taught to me like it was to them.

I just want to apologise and be like, I wish you could have been alive to see the Prophet S.A.W. You would know Islam is not like that at all.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Just Curious Anon: Wa alaykom e salaam.

YOU ASKED:
"I know for a fact I have more time with my husband than a lot of women whose husband's have only one wife. ... "
Wouldn't u have less time seeing he has another wife and I'm sure a job and family and so on? wouldn't it mean the opposite?

ANSWER: I have been married before. My husband was first in university, and then, a businessman. His work left him only a certain portion of time. In his private time, he liked to divide it between me, working out, his friends... Which left me less time with him than I have now. Some husbands have to travel for business. Some spend too much time with their friends or doing things for themselves, like sport ect. I have sister in laws who are the only wife and I hang out with my husband more than they do with theirs, sadly.

NEXT QUESTION:
"I don't think I'd be satisifed with my marriage though, if my husband had a job that left him little time for us even if he equated that time fairly."
Again does ure husband not have to work or something.?.i dont see how he can have more time with you when a regular hubby spends every hour off work and night at home..but I'm sure with another wife you spend some nights alone?
Sorry if it seems I'm prying i just didn't understand what you meant.

ANSWER: My husband's job finishes before lunch. So after 1 or 12 he's with me and only me all the day. He doesn't really hang out with his friends, or do things he likes without me. If he had longer hours, like, if he was a doctor or something, I wouldn't like it. Or if he had to travel and couldn't take us both with him, for work. I think that would be more than I can handle. I am not saying it couldn't still work for some women, but it wouldn't for me, and my husband knows this. Maybe I would divorce if he chose to work crazy hours. Polygyny isn't something that is forced on a woman in Islam.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Convert Sickness: You are so threatened by my family being happy in our situation and me writing that on this blog, that you want our blog shut down?

Actually, our blog DOESN'T BREAK googles terms of service. We email ALL our posts to our editor. And she posts them. Sooooooo.... :P

There's nothing wrong with that AT ALL.

Mimi said...

Why didn't you publish my last comment with the link and let the other readers see it? And what about the other comment? There are still two or three comments to publish!

Ok its your personal blog? Do whatever you want to do with it........


Many people see Islam in black and white. Apparently converts cannot be an exception.

Bye.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi: You are taking Qu'ranic verses out of context and twisting them to suit your meaning. As I said, the part of the Qu'ran you quoted about asking questions was directed at the Sahaba who were asking questions to make things haraam.

About alcohol, you said the Qu'ran says it is good. NO, it does not. That is out of context. You have to quote the WHOLE thing. It says there is SOME good in it but MORE evil so it is for us to REFRAIN.

I said, I saved your comments, about the authenticity of the Qu'ran and ask that you start that debate on a post about that subject, not one on polygyny.

Since you are quoting an part of a verse not the whole verse and not letting the non-Muslims who read my blog know the context in which it was spoken I WILL not have that on my blog. It is misinformation and I have to have the engery to write a fully detailed post to refute you misrepresented claims and I don't have the time to right now, and this is more a cultural than Islamic blog.

It is not for the non-Muslims to tell the Muslims how to live. You don't believe in the Qu'ran so you don't have a right to tell Muslim women who do how they should be married and live, really.

Me and my co-wife? Don't need you to "SAVE" us. That is self-righteous, not righteous.

You don't like converts and like to call us ignorant because we DO KNOW what we are talking about when it comes to Islam. We are well read and not confused AT ALL by culture for the majority. Unlike some of the Sheikhs that you followed that left you disillusioned.

Keep your comments to do with polygyny in a Qu'ranic context, or your personal experiences on this post. That's what this post is about.

Mimi said...

"You don't like converts and like to call us ignorant because we DO KNOW what we are talking about when it comes to Islam. "

Ya salam. why do you say that?!

What I remember is that I don't attack you personally, but it looks that you don't mind attacking others personally by your judgments.

Anyway you don't have to explain why you didn't publish my comments. Just say its your personal blog.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi: You said converts don't think, don't research, are brainwashed... ect. I am not insulting you. Saying you are brainwashed by atheists ect.

Mimi said...

"You said converts don't think, don't research,"

Where did I say that?! Really!!!

Anyway thanks for publishing one of the two comments.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

And Mimi: Umar Khattab was no Qu'ranic expert even though he was Caliph. Um Salamah had to correct on verses and he said she was correct to do so. That is no proof at all the Qu'ran was changed.

Mimi said...

Wow another one has been published. Now I'm confused how many comments I sent a few days ago!

Mimi said...

Well don't forget much of what Umar bin alkhattab said was quranic verses at the end. When he said something the quran copied it, which made him proud of himself!

So yeah, we should take omar's words seriously!!

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi here is what you said: "I wish western converts help muslims and arabs produce something other than babies," [implying all converts do give the Islamic nations IS babies] "but it looks many of them are just so fascinated with islamic culture that they cannot think of criticising it." [Implying converts do not think, that they do not investigate Islam and contemplate if it is legit, that they are 'blinded']. "Again if you studied fgm in the sunna why don't you try to study polygamy as well?" [Meaning you are saying I did not study something, like I was not smart enough to because I am just a convert].
You also said: "westerners definitely had better education, and I hate to see them brainwashed by this weird sets of beliefs called islam" [meaning that any Westerner who has an education like myself who adopts Islam must be brainwashed then. If they were smart, then, they had to be brainwashed, ugh].
"I suggest you also read about the process of collecting the Quran. Maybe not only read by try to criticise what you read." [Immplying that a convert wouldn't, when we have.]
"Many people see Islam in black and white. Apparently converts cannot be an exception." [Immplying that converts cannot see any concept of Islam as something evolving, which is not true].
Those are judgemental implications. Your words not mine. And I posted your comments because Boxie told me your blog appears to be blocked so I can't figure how you can make a post on the authenticity of the Qu'ran there. But from now on, please keep to the topic of polygyny here:)? It is already a controversial enough subject without adding the validity of religon to the mix.

Mimi said...

Wow! You just decided to be so negative about what I say!

Maybe I shouldn't care anymore. Bye

Lally said...

"Polygyny isn't something that is forced on a woman in Islam."
Are you kidding? In 99.9% of cases, it is forced upon the woman, economic coercion and having no way out of the situation are the usual means, along with a heavy heaping of guilt accomplished through the misinterpretation of the Quran.
Your situation may work for you, but you are being either obtuse or deliberately deceptive by pretending that the majority of women in polygynous situations were not forced and trapped into a lifestyle that's a permanent burden and torment to them.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Lally: No, polygyny IS not forced on a woman IN Islam. A woman has the right to divorce and remarry in Islam if she doesn't like her situation. It is Asian cultures that make remarriage as a divorcee an issue, and as you said yourself, economic reasons, that force women to stay in marriages they don't like. Same could be said of any marriage though, monogomous or not.

I am not being obtuse or deliberately deceptive. I am just talking about our situation. I know it isn't meant for everyone and Allah curses the man you keeps a woman just to torment her. People have to escape their own culture and make a life for themselves sometimes. That can be hard in a monogomous situation as well. We shouldn't be blamed for other people hurting others or the culture should we? Is that fair?

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi: Only about the implications of what you said. Did you not mean that?

Mimi said...

of course I didn't mean that!!!! You went too far in the implications thing. When I said for example read books by arab atheists or western orientalists about islam, I meant I want you to consider what they had to say about it. Maybe you'll change your mind. I used to be a really devout muslim. I used to fight for Islam whenever someone said something bad about it. I also believed that islam is mixed with culture in some people's minds. There was a British librarian's blog in my blog list. Michael. He's an old online friend. Go ask him, he will tell you how much I used to love Islam. He also believes that I know so much about Islam and loves to hear me talk about it.

I didn't say those things just to insult you!! I know you've done so much research, and I know you've taken a really serious decision in your life, which is converting to Islam. But I just wanted to let you know that's not all about Islam. I know what I'm talking about, and I said those things not to provoke emotions.

I tried hard to find justifications for the violence of the prophet and the quran. First I thought I shouldn't trust the sunna. And then I thought the quran is corrupted as there's no way god would say really violent things. And when I had no other choice I thought islam is not an abrahamic religion. If there's really a god watching me now, he must be the only one who knows how sincere I tried to be about my faith.

Of course I didn't change my beliefs without evidence to rely on. But at the end it's up to you. I just wanted to share my views with you. It's not about how bad my dad was with mum (he isn't a bad man, but polygamy didn't work with my family) You're free to have any beliefs you choose.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Mimi: The thing is, I did read books by Arab atheists. And Western Orientalists [who suck at history], and Western politicians about Islam, et all. Before I studied Islam in depth might I add. They were my first resource, saying how the Qu'ran was violent ect, but when I studied the Sunnah I found those books had taken everything out of context or were mixing the cultures. As for you having been a devout Saudi "wahabi" Muslimah to the extreme even, I don't doubt. In my experience those are usually the girls who apostate or convert to being Shia ASAP when the delusion of that impossibly idealised Islam fails because it isn't based on fact and tries to make us go back in time. I love the teachings of Abdul Wahab on Tauhid but I don't follow him in how to manage a country with Shariah. The things the Sauds did were not in how the Prophet S.A.W handled the ummah when it screwed up, that's for sure, ect. Anyways, I do wish you the best. I also believe you are free to choose your faith. There is no compulsion in religion. I hope no one hurts you for something you were born with and taught but not before knowing everything else there is to choose from. Only then is the choice truly your own.

Mimi said...

" I found those books had taken everything out of context"

Interesting, because I think the same about muslims :) taking everything out of context, or ignoring the context, or just not aware of it.

Take care

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Yeah, I got that from the books that would quote the verse "kill them wherever you find them" and ignore the sentance attached to it, which says don't kill women and children, old men, people who stay in their houses [don't come out to fight] or even cut down a fruit tree. Which means, in Islam, you aren't allowed to fight ANYONE who isn't out and out attacking you or planning to kill you. And Islam says you can't judge someones intentions that lie in their heart, only what they have spoken or have done. So how books can twist those verses that say you can defend yourself to mean that Islam is violent, I honestly don't know. But yeah, alot of Muslims aren't aware of the context and that's why we get dumbass suicide bombers and whatnot.

Mimi said...

Hmmm..we didn't reach the same conclusions. Ok maybe it's not about taking things out of context. Maybe it's taking things in a more detailed context. Because when I think about it I remember that we did study the sunna/quran in context, and maybe now I look at it from a different angle or know more details. Or just reconsidered what I knew. Don't know!

I know it's difficult to find yourself mistaken after making a big decision. Maybe I'll go through the same someday. I'm not sure which post but I think you kind of called me 'lost' in an old one. Maybe I got it wrong but I really understand why a convert would think of me that way. :)

Confused said...

I've read all the comments but you have addressed the Islamic reasons that justified the marriage.

You say you have children so one reason is out. In the comments you appear to say that you were wife 1. I'm confused and would appreciate clarity.

Umm Ibrahim said...

LOOL @ Ayan is no cow...LOL...well, more power to you...to me, she's a cow and shall remain one! LOL...

I do agree with the rest of your comment...those people make me sad!

Still confused said...

I spotted a typo:

I've read all the comments but you haven't addressed the Islamic reasons that justified the marriage.

You say you have children so one reason is out. In the comments you appear to say that you were wife 1.

I'm trying to understand why you would accept this situation, especially as you knew for a year. Are you the 'unofficial' wife and the second wife the 'official', Omani wife?

Truth searcher said...

If you believe that the American polygamists are happy - google 'Mormon lost boys'.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Confused: As I stated in the post, who is 1rst and who is 2nd isn't important. A few pages back is post ona the Islamic reasons when polygyny is accepted in Islam, not ebing able to have children isn't really one of them. Both my cowife and I meet the conditions for a shariah-orphan. We accept eachother because we want for eachother what we want for ourselves and don't see alot of good men who have the same beliefs and ideals as us out there.

And in Oman, there is no "official wife" as there is no family book like in other Gulf states. First wife and second are both given equal considerdations under Omani law and in society regardless of nationality or order. And in our family (her's, and my husband's)we are treated the same.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Um Ibrihim: I understand the annoyance, believe me, but Ayan is soooooooo stick thin, calling her a cow makes me giggle.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Truthseeker: I can't speak about Mormons. If they are happy, and I am sure there are some, if not the majority, I am not qualified to speak on it. Islam is my religion. The very idea of Christian marriage of a woman being under the husband doesn't appeal to me, and I don't know if it is true, but the idea of Mormon polgyny is because women can't get to heaven without a husband? That of course, would seem unfair to me and I would not accpet such an idea.

Iman (Lifes Balance Beam) said...

As Salamualaikum

Boy oh boy... I won't even comment on the comment's lol

To OPNO, Mashaallah! I am not married and never have been, and I myself don't know if i could be in a polygamous marriage, but I do respect women who are. I completely agree that it is NOT forced on women in islam, maybe in CULTURES but i have NEVER in my life read that polygany is a commandment! I think you're strong and admirable (as well as your co-wife and husband) because it takes a special kind of woman lol. May Allah protect your marriage (by marriage i mean your co wife as well) And may he make it stronger and prosperous!! AMEEN

Salamualaikum!

Anonymous said...

Is great that is working for you and you are indeed very lucky your husband is so righteous to you both. I can see some benefits I would definitely enjoy, except 1: having to basically live half of my life alone. I just can't cope with that. Life is short, often way too short. And 50 years of marriage would mean actually 25 years of marriage...Though being positive, you can pray for a long life. And I am sure having children helps lots..you are young and have many things to do..rais kids, keep a house...But i am not sure how is gonna work for you when you are gonna be 50, your children will leave make their own lives and you will have 30 years more to live (out of which, 15 alone). Or when he is gonna be just too old to move so often from one house to another. All in all..a short life makes your marriage shorter...and if you all 3 get a long life..is gonna be the waiting of one to die faster. If children stay around though..that won't be a problem..or grandchildren. But if not, when you are old and you can sleep max 5 hours a night..time alone is gonna be your biggest enemy. Wish you many blessing and I am truly impressed with your article. Though i definitely disagree with polygamy (both polygyny and polyandry) I sure can learn many good things about being a better wife and a more understanding person!

Anonymous said...

Is great that is working for you and you are indeed very lucky your husband is so righteous to you both. I can see some benefits I would definitely enjoy, except 1: having to basically live half of my life alone. I just can't cope with that. Life is short, often way too short. And 50 years of marriage would mean actually 25 years of marriage...Though being positive, you can pray for a long life. And I am sure having children helps lots..you are young and have many things to do..rais kids, keep a house...But i am not sure how is gonna work for you when you are gonna be 50, your children will leave make their own lives and you will have 30 years more to live (out of which, 15 alone). Or when he is gonna be just too old to move so often from one house to another. All in all..a short life makes your marriage shorter...and if you all 3 get a long life..is gonna be the waiting of one to die faster. If children stay around though..that won't be a problem..or grandchildren. But if not, when you are old and you can sleep max 5 hours a night..time alone is gonna be your biggest enemy. Wish you many blessing and I am truly impressed with your article. Though i definitely disagree with polygamy (both polygyny and polyandry) I sure can learn many good things about being a better wife and a more understanding person!

Anonymous said...

I was just thinking that my husband works till 7. I wait for him half a day..what would it be to wait 1 day and a half?! I mean...I have half day to: get bored..get moody..get happy..cook and take care of house children...I definitely can't wait to deal with him when he gets home. Problem would be...he wouldn't be able to deal with me. And that is frustrating..for me...but hey..whatever works for people...is great. One down point to him will be later..I mean, by age 70 almost 70% of all men experience erectile dysfunction. While women...really don't. So having 1 unsatisfied moody old in menopause and with hormonal changes wife is hard enough...can't imagine 2 lol! Good that medicine evolved!

Anonymous said...

if i remember well...the part where polygyny is basically permitted in islamic religion (where it says that a man can get 2 or 3 or 4 wives)...starts with mentioning some orphans...More precise: "And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four". That "if" seems to me the condition of getting a wife...why everyone ignores part? Maybe there are other writings I am not aware of...but that is the most commonly known when referring to the permission of polygyny.

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

Anon: Our husband finishes work at 1 or 2 pm in the afternoon. So work is like, 7:30-2:30 at the most. So yeah, that is one of the reasons we handle it easier than other women. We wouldn't like it is much if our husband worked a lot longer than that. Traditionally, in the Prophet Mohammed's time, that was the usual working day as well. So it makes sense WHY that makes polygyny easier.

As for erectile dysfunction, Islam permits other ways of being, er, satisfied, so even if a husband has a problem in his 70s, [which would be the same problem with or without another wife] satisfaction can be attained;0.

Anyways, I won't go anymore into anything like that.

Just saying working hours effect the chances of the situation being easy.

I say I have more time because my husband has short working hours, and he doesn't go out with his friends and family often after work, just his two families [wives+children].

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

I don't know people think getting old is an issue. In our culture that part is easier. Old people have more of a social life than young people. The old women have tea and coffee everyyyyyyy day two times a day. That is annoying in a young marriage because guests tak eup alot of time but I think it will alleviate some of the alone time when there's no kids. And having no kids leaves more time for a life. Painting, writing, reading, travel ect...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for a fascinating read! I live in a country where islam is unusual, and where marriage is valid between e.g. homosexuals. I believe marriage is a matter between individuals, and everybody should have a right to be happy their own way. I myself live together with two men. I married A 10 years ago and got engaged to B 7 years ago. I have children with both and we all live together. The kids call both men daddy, even though they know which one is their biological dad. We share a house but A and B have separate bedrooms, and I choose where I sleep. Just as you say, it has nothing really to do with sex, and when conflicts arise they are very seldom about sex. Difficulties most often stem from lack of time to spend together, or from disagreements about priorities. I know that A initially had thoughts of leaving me when I told him I wanted one more "husband" but having tried a polygamous relationship he decided that our love and our family was more important than his jealousy. When they do get jealous, because it still happens sometimes, I let them work out between themselves what it is they want, and then I try to accept the deal they've made. It usually works out fine. Essentially, a polygamous marriage is all about respect and trust.

mmmx said...

Thank u for this post u restored to me the hope in omani women
I have read it with tears in my eyes
I'm looking forward to marriage now...
I don't think I can handle 2 wives though

Merwyn said...

i read ur story...felt bad... but also felt dat you are a strong woman... i pray that god takes care of you n gives u more strength

Anonymous said...

I like to say this is very encouraging tp read. I am just new in a co-wife scenario and both of us trying to adjust. But needless to say my husband is doing everything possisble to be just and i love him dearly for that. At times it is hard to know the ever told fairytale of one true love does not exhist but o others i remind myself i have agreat supporting husband and he shows his love dearly and i have the smae right of that like my co-wife does.

Anonymous said...

Assalaam. I am a wife of a man for 30 years. Till this moment I am still his one and only wife. But I come from a polygamous family.
My father had 2 wives who lived together. It was a good family with 11 childre.Unfortunately My stepmom passed away in 1979 and my dad in 2006. So, we grew up in the same house and my mom took care of us.To me wht my late father

Muslimah said...

"I know for a fact I have more time with my husband than a lot of women whose husbands have only one wife"

A bit presumptious don't you think? How do you know this for a fact?

But apart from that, very insightful post

Sal Bos said...

Salam.... OPNO,,, are you happy? EVeryone is safe and secure? Then your doing it right.... no worries,,,, to each his own, and you have it covered for your family and that is great ... Blessings,,, Sal Bo

Anonymous said...

I’m researching plural marriage for a project I am working on. I want to get in touch with people who are looking for a 2nd or 3rd wife, and want to hear their story! I’m new to this world, so I have a lot of questions and am just looking to understand better. If that interests you, please email me at Jennifer.c8787@gmail.com .